Thoughts on a Monday

March snow, it's inevitable in Utah

My "omelette"

I'm sitting here, eating the breakfast I made, (which was supposed to be an omelette, but turned into scrambled eggs with ham and jalapenos -- which, by the way, I had to text my mom to ask her how to tell when jalapenos are bad.)  and I started thinking. I haven't touched my blog in almost two years. It has just been this thing that I get emails about once in awhile. I thought recently about how I haven't written in so long. Then I had to dive into why I stopped writing. Is it because I got bored? Or is it because I was afraid of being boring? I would spend hours reading through other's blogs, clicking links that would take me to another one, and another one, and another one. I would think "these people have such entertaining lives. Their pictures are flawless and their entire page is gorgeous.
Before I stopped writing, a friend of mine revamped my blog and made it look much better than anything I could try to do. The fact is, I'm terrible at computers. Graphic design, and codes, and editing. It's just not my thing.
So, I start to feel a little embarrassed of my own silly blog. I would take outfit photos, but they seemed so "meh".

And then after two years and some serious yearning for expression, I realized: who. fucking. cares? This is my blog. This is my space. My voice needs to escape because that is one way I can release my stress and anxiety.

Here's the thing: I love fashion. I don't get paid to express my love of fashion. But I'm gonna.
I love writing. I'm gonna.
I have a voice, and I'm going to use it. Or in this case, type it.

My life is not glamorous, I work in retail for crying out loud. But I have things to say, and finally I can stop caring about comparing myself to others. It may have taken me 20 something years to accept that, but here it is. I don't care if you think I'm boring, I don't care if you subscribe, or comment, or laugh, or think. This is going to be my place. I can be as silly, or weird, or deep as I want to be. I miss the feeling of getting it all out there.

So, stay tuned. Or don't.
It's gonna happen.

Pompeii

I don't want to start this post by saying "everything sucks" because that sounds so trite. However, at the moment everything kind of does suck.
Okay, not everything sucks. I have a great family, a wonderful husband, a roof over my head, two adorable puppies, a job....I could go on and on for days. I'm a very thankful person with a good life. No matter what hardships I go through I'm constantly aware that things could always be worse.
While I know that things can always be worse, I am still human. I'm a person feeling stressed and overwhelmed. I'm allowed to vent, which is what I'm going to do.

If you don't want to read a whole post about me feeling sorry for myself then I suggest you close this. That's not a guilt trip, I really don't care who reads this or not, it's my blog. I'm not even going to promote this post on Facebook or Instagram. I just want to let you know now that I'm bout to get all riled up with my emotions.

I'll just start by saying my confidence got knocked down quite a few pegs last week when I did my yearly review at work. Truthfully, I don't even want to get into details about it at all. Saying that it wrecked me is quite enough I think.
I've always been confident in my work standards, I know I'm not perfect and I will be the first person to admit that. I'm still a lump of clay in some areas, who is always willing to be molded into something or someone better. True, I may forget that sometimes...I may get ahead of myself or fall into a personal funk {which I tend to do sometimes...like I said, not perfect}
When I started my call center job back in January I was so nervous because I hadn't done anything besides retail my whole {working} life. I worried that I wouldn't be good at it, that I would mess up, that I simply couldn't do it. But no matter how nervous I was, I went into work every day with ambition and eagerness. Now I know a call center isn't wonderful, a toddler could probably do it, but it boosted my confidence a lot to try something new and to excel at it. I really enjoyed the new environment, the new types of people, the difference in work expectations, it was all great.
That being said, I let my anxiety get in the way and cause me to resign. The last few weeks I was working there I was feeling like a mess because of high anxiety. I woke up sick to my stomach, not wanting to leave my bed. The fact that we were scheduled 12 days straight of mandatory overtime, and the fact that there was the impending layoff over my head was just getting to me.
So, I resigned.
Looking back now I think about how I should have just sucked it up and stayed until the lay off. I should have drug my ass out of bed every morning, put on a smile and worked. Now that I resigned I wish I hadn't because there was overtime, because there was a couple more weeks of money in my pocket, because there was possible unemployment even....
But, I didn't. And that's it, I can't take it back now I can only hope I left with good enough stats to get me rehired in the future.

Since quitting the call center I've only been working part time at the mall. Let me just say, I love that job, I truly do....but how anyone can live on just that? Ten, maybe fifteen hours a week? It's a joke. It's not for people with bills to pay, dogs to feed, a house to maintain, or definitely not for someone without health insurance.

Which brings me to my next issue.
Healthcare is a joke. It's ridiculous. I had to pay $60 the other day to go, sit in a little room and tell my doctor "yes, I'm fine" just so he will refill my Zoloft prescription for another six months. Do you think working 20 hours every two weeks is going to pay for that on top of other necessities? Nope.
I was due for an appointment at my obgyn in March, which is $150 for me to spread my legs on a table, and get another years worth of contraceptives because I don't want a child right now. I had to call my doctor and request to push the appointment back a couple months because of finances. Well, now I'm just finishing up my final pack of birth control and I still can't afford to go in.
I woke up at 5:00 Monday morning with a horrible throbbing pain in my gums. Didn't think much of it because I know I have bad teeth that need work, just haven't gotten around to it yet. Went to work for a few hours that afternoon and the pain came back. When I got home I took some pain reliever and took a small nap. When I woke up it looked like I had been sucker punched in the face. The entire left side of my face was swollen and tender so I made a note to call a dentist in the morning and get in as soon as possible.
The next morning I had to get up for my previously mentioned $60 doctor appointment. When I woke up I was in an immeasurable amount of pain and my face was huge. I cried the whole way to the doctor appointment and could barely open my mouth enough to speak to him. Right after I left I called a dentist office that took Taran's insurance {luckily I do have dental through him} and I found one literally on the same street as my doctor's office. They scheduled me to come in that afternoon, and when I got there even the receptionist could tell I was miserable. Luckily they quickly took me in for an x-ray and determination of what was going on. Obviously a root canal was needed, plus antibiotics for the infection causing swelling. They were great about making it work so they could help me that day and before I knew it they were holding my jaw open with some weird tube and drilling at my teeth for a half hour straight.
Let me just say, root canals are not cheap. Even with insurance. They're so not cheap that they needed a financial manager to come in and discuss payments with me. Oh good, there's another $90 each month to go toward a stupid tooth. A tooth that I couldn't afford to maintain because I didn't have dental insurance for so many years.
Granted, I could have gone in and done the payment thing before. It was always an option. But just google how much a root canal is without insurance. Just look it up. It's disgusting.

I'm not trying to sound like a whiny baby here. Like I said before: things could always be worse.
But right now I'm in a really tough situation where I am so stressed out I'm thinking about selling some organs for cash. {Not really}
I feel like it's been one thing after another, and while I shouldn't have quit my job the fact is that I was still being laid off 3 weeks after I resigned anyway. I'd still be in this position where I'm working a part time job only.
Oh and I've been looking that is for sure. I have an app on my phone that I check constantly throughout the day, everyday. I've posted resumes, turned in applications and even had an interview. So I'm trying. Really hard. Unfortunately I'm just not having any luck.

Which is why I'm here, writing this blog post to vent. Because I feel stuck, and down and stressed and inadequate. I'm so incredibly grateful for my husband who picked up all my prescriptions while I was in bed sore looking like a chipmunk. Who tells me we will figure stuff out when I come home from the store with limited groceries, and another $85 out of my bank account, crying my eyes out. Who believes in me and my abilities. Who holds me and listens to me rant when I came home sobbing after my review.
I have so much shit going on right now {as does he, but that's a whole different story} but I am truly so lucky. I'm going to get through this because I can.

"And the walls kept tumbling down
In the city that we love
Great clouds roll over the hills
Bringing darkness from above"

Dreams, Feathers and Kimonos

As of April 28th it's been officially a year since my grandma passed away. It's been a rough year without her, we all definitely needed to adjust. While it has gotten easier with time, it's still definitely still painful not having her here. Since the one year of her death I've been dreaming about her constantly. Some dreams will be about normal days with her still here, as if nothing had happened and some are about her still being so sick. The last few days of her life were miserable and I would never wish that type of death on anybody, so when I dream about her still being in that position I feel a little relieved waking up knowing she's free of pain. However when I dream about her still healthy, going out to dinner together or something simple I wake up heartbroken.
It's hard. I think since she's been on my mind so much lately my subconscious won't turn off those thoughts either.
I miss her every day but I think with every passing year I'll smile more knowing how much love she had for all of us, and all the memories I have of her.

Anyway
On to something a little less sad.

I got these earrings when I worked at Charlotte Russe, which was back in 2011. They've still been on the jewelry card since that day I brought them home. Yesterday was the first day I wore them ever.
The funny thing Is I've done this more than once....not the best habit to keep.
Also I'm obsessed with this kimono style shawl. So cute.

Shawl: Wet Seal
Shorts: Wet Seal
Sandals: Charlotte Russe
Earrings: Charlotte Russe
Necklace: Forever 21
Rings: H&M and Icing
Sunnies: Wet Seal

- or +

It's November, which means it's the month of gratitude. I, like many others have gone to social media to express something that I'm thankful for each day. While scrolling along, reading about different reasons to be grateful I happened to see something else popping up on my news feed.

And it made me really think. Yes, I'm sharing my gratitude, but do I complain the rest of the year? The answer is yes. Then I thought - why does it matter?
So I've logged on to Facebook and updated my status to bitch a little bit. Whether it be because of a job or bad restaurant service, or even about the ending of a book/movie/TV show.
Just because we are venting does it mean we're not allowed to feel grateful at the same time? Yes we're specifically sharing gratitude this month, but that's the point. It's called Thanksgiving. I could continue my lists of blessings throughout the entire year because I can find something to be grateful for each day. Hell, I'm simply thankful for the doughnut I had for breakfast!

So why do we feel the need to tear apart others for just actually realizing the things they have in their lives? Yes, I was thankful for that doughnut, but at the same time I would have rather been home with my husband instead. That's life.

Granted, there are a few people out there who take Facebook complaining to the extreme. Some things should just be kept to yourself. Stating "my life sucks" is a bit excessive, but hey, don't we all feel that way sometimes? I know I've had those moments (especially after a really crappy day) and then something as simple as having this blog to write about it makes me snap out of and remember that life could be worse.

I was at a work meeting this morning and we were discussing customer service an dhow people are so quick to bring up a complaint rather than an appraisal. Why is it so much easier for us to focus on negativity? Instead of putting someone in the spotlight for a job well done we tear the person down or make fun of something.
Look at Miley Cyrus for example. I am definitely not a fan of hers, but can you go anywhere without seeing satire involving her? How many VMA or Wrecking Ball costumes did you see on Halloween? Whether you're a fan or not, can you deny that she is huge right now?

We as people thrive on negativity. Complaints are what fuel our generation's media.
So why is it bad when we push aside our complaining and put more attention on our good? I say, bitch it out, if it makes you feel better to vent and share via social network then go ahead.
But then, instead of shaming another person for expressing positivity...instead of poking fun at each new thing that explodes over the news just take a second and be happy. Maybe in the midst of our complaining we could all take a second and be grateful for something.
Even if it's just a stupid doughnut on a lame day.

Lucky

Some days I feel tired, worn out, anxious...

Some days I feel frustrated by every little thing. 

Some days I feel downright lousy. 

But every night when I see this person lying next to me, the person who chose to spend forever lying next to me. 

Who chose to spend forever, despite the anxiety filled days and lousy days

I just feel so incredibly lucky. 

Planning.

As you know, Taran and I eloped in March.
This was not a shotgun wedding, or a "we can't wait any longer" wedding.
I had dreamed of a nice real wedding for so long, but that all came to a halt when I found out my grandma didn't have much time left.
I didn't have my elopement to impress anybody or to hurt anybody's feelings. We did it so my grandmother could see me get married before she passed.
It was the best decision I made and I will never regret it for the rest of my life.

That being said, I still want that wedding. I don't plan on doing this again and I want to have that party with dancing and toasts and a dress.
So I am having a post elopement reception.
I know I've mentioned doing it before, but I mean it.

I didn't get to do the fun wedding planning stuff. I never got to have a bridal shower, or a rehearsal dinner. I didn't get to pick out dresses with my bridesmaids or walk down an aisle.
Like I said, I don't regret my wedding at all...it was lovely and perfect and knowing my grandma witnessed it made it even better. She knows I wanted to have a wedding, and she would want me to have all of this. Putting it all on hold was worth it for her because the intimate part is over, she was there. She saw me take Taran as my husband and I as his wife. That will never be replaced, and I'll be able to tell our children how much my grandma meant to me because I couldn't bear to marry my best friend without her there. Her name is on the marriage certificate. I am 1,000% happy with how we did things.

I just want a damn reception.

So, it's decided. We'll have a small "ceremony" where Taran and I will just exchange vows {not real vows, just handwritten ones, which is what I wanted for our real wedding} and we will have a party. I'll have bridesmaids and a shower...the only difference in it is that we're already married. Who cares?
Plus, there are many family members who were unable to come to our tiny courthouse ceremony that I know would have loved to be there. This will be the chance for them to see us celebrate our love for each other.
It may be way after the actual wedding, and it may be weird to do so, but I don't care.
My grandma would want me to have this and it's what I want, what Taran wanted....

Three things about Tuesday.

1.) A good way to clean your coffee maker is by using vinegar, but doing so will make your whole house smell like vinegar. That smell is awful and makes me want to puke. But hey, after a few cycles of just water I was finally able to have a nicely brewed cup of coffee.

2.) I didn't have to work until 5:00 today. Having all that time before a shift, you would think I would be smart and get ready early. You would think. One of these days I will learn how to give myself enough time so that I don't rush myself. Someday....

3.) I did not start my day out in these boots. In fact, I didn't even purchase THESE boots. Last week I went into a shoe store called Forever Young and they were having a sale on all boots. Buy One Get One Free! Crystal and I ended up getting one pair each and splitting the price. Today I decided to wear mine for the first time. They were similar, but had a wedge and more buckles than these. Anyway, not even 2 minutes into my shift and I look down to see that the zipper was completely split open. Luckily I work at the mall and was able to walk down to the store and swap the damaged ones for a new pair. Unfortunately they didn't have my size in the style I originally bought, which was disappointing, but they did have this cute pair that was the same color. I do like them a lot so it's ok!
Maybe it's karma telling me to stop shopping.

choices

Throughout your entire life you will make choices. They are simple things starting from childhood such as choosing vanilla or chocolate ice cream. As you grow up they get a little tougher, like where you should live, what car should you buy, etc. Some decisions you make will be for another person or simply for yourself.
There are some things; however, that you will come across in your life that will be out of your control and you won't get choose.
Three years ago doctors discovered my grandma had cancer, and for those three years she has had to suffer from something that was out of her hands. She didn't choose cancer, and if I could I wouldn't choose it for anyone else on this planet.
Now, there is absolutely no choice. She is at the end of the road, and what's left of the pavement in front of her is untouchable. It's inevitable. My heart won't stop breaking over this, and I don't know how long it will take me to recover. Even after her time is up, which I can't ever bring myself to think about. My brain won't even let me try.

The moment I heard the news, this haunting news about how there is nothing left to do for her I haven't been able to breathe right. One of the thoughts that surfaced to the top of my constant swimming thoughts was the simple fact: my grandma will not see me get married.
If you've ever felt like your chest was being crushed by a steamroller, you know how I feel.

Then came the time for me to make a choice.
Do I push the date forward so the most wonderful person in my life can be there?
The answer is yes.

My whole life I've looked up to this woman, and my whole life I'm imagined her watching me walk down the aisle. Never in my life did I picture it without her. And I still can't picture it, so I won't.
I am 1000% head over heels, over the moon in love with Taran. The day he asked me to marry me, there was never a question of whether it was right or not. He is the man of my dreams and he is who I want to spend the rest of my life with. Whether that happens next year, next month or tomorrow, it doesn't matter to me.
Sure, this isn't my favorite choice. God knows I never wanted a quick wedding, but I never wanted a wedding without my grandmother either. And she is more important than a gown, than a cake, than flowers....the goal is the same either way. I will marry Taran.
So it came down to choosing: small ceremony for grandma or large ceremony next year without her? It's a simple choice really, even though I've been beating myself over it for a week now. But the more I've thought about it the more I've realized how much I don't care about a wedding as much as I care about the marriage.

The decision has been made. Taran and I will have a small intimate ceremony and be married, but we will still be keeping our September 2014 date for a big reception and we'll probably even read our vows again.
Think of this as a selfish decision, maybe it is, I'm doing this for me. But I have the most supportive fiance who wants to marry me regardless and knows me well enough to tell me I would regret not having her present to see me take a big step in my life.

I'm hoping that no one will think less of me because of this and we won't get any hard feelings. If you would like to be present for the ceremony I would love to have you there. I just hope you will all understand my choice and my reasoning for doing this and will respect us for it as well.

The Miserable

Last night Crystal, Jerrica and I went out to the movies and I finally got to see Les Mis. I had been waiting for it since I heard they were casting which was a year. When I heard the casting choices I was disappointed in some and excited for others. Hugh Jackman is amazing and I feel like he can do anything, but he was a little overshadowed by Anne Hathaway whom the world would not shut up about. Don't get me wrong, I'm a fan of her, but I feel like all I was constantly hearing was she was the lead and blah blah blah. If anyone knows even a summary of the story they would know that it is about and revolves around Jean Vajean....played by Hugh Jackman.

Anyway, I hate listening to reviews because I feel like it spoils my experience so I avoid them as much as I can.
After sitting through the film {which is like 3 hours long....this is why broadway has intermission O.o } I was able to finally say what I thought of it and that is that I really liked it. I didn't love it. I wouldn't pay to see it in theaters again. I might not buy it when it comes out but it was good. I did like it.
I'll be honest, I was skeptical of Anne Hathaway and she truly was great. I didn't know she could sing and she proved me wrong. I was impressed. {plus singing whilst sobbing...I would sound like a dying moose probably. Props to her}
I won't get too much into it, but as for Russell Crowe.....just....no. He tried, but....no. He didn't nearly do justice to the character of Javert, the passion was lacking and he didn't grasp it.
It's just hard for me to accept that they settled for him when there are many actors who could have blown that character out of the water.

Also, Amanda Seyfried did nothing for me. I've never loved Cosette but the fact that she was played by Amanda Seyfriend sort of doubled that. Not a fan of her or her voice.
And I'm sorry, but she will never be anything but Karen from Mean Girls to me. Half the time I expect her to say "if you're from Africa, why are you white?"

Hugh Jackman was great, he pulled off Jean Valjean well. I may be biased because I loves me some Hugh...but I personally think he was splendid.

Samantha Barks as Eponine was just great. Wish the role was bigger so I could have seen more of her. Glad that role didn't go to someone unworthy. {*cough*Taylor Swift}

Sasha Baron Cohen and Helena Bonham Carter were such good comedic relief. They really made the role their own.

Everyone else was fine, I have no remarks on their performances and they did make some smart choices with some of the cast. Even some of the smaller parts were good.

That's really all I need to say about the film. Thought it was good, but I wasn't captivated.
{Also I didn't cry, but I don't tend to cry from movies anyway. Or very often at all....}

Coral Orange vs Coral Pink

Top: Wet Seal
Necklace: Gift
Jeans: Charlotte Russe
Boots: Charlotte Russe

 

I got ready this morning in such a rush that I grabbed a necklace that I thought, at first glance, went well with the outfit.  As I was getting out of my car and was in direct sunlight, not the lighting of my house I noticed that the necklace was a completely different shade of coral. The necklace was more orange-ish while the pants were more pink-ish. I was a bit annoyed that I hadn't noticed it before and that I was going to go the rest of the day wearing a necklace that doesn't match. I even had to ask coworkers if I looked stupid.
But, then after 6 hours of work...thinking about inventory, and customers, and cleaning I completely forgot about the stupid necklace. And I decided I liked the two stupid colors together.

I do that a lot I've come to realize. I care too much about something so tiny and trivial, working myself up over it when it's really not.a.big.deal. Instead of focusing on more important things first I jump to assumptions over little details. I worry about what people think instead of what I think. I get irritated before I think things through.

Maybe if I take a second to let things roll off my shoulder and allow myself to relax a little bit I could improve a lot of life's little issues. Or big issues.

 

January Curse

What I Wore 1-09-13
Sweater/Leggings/Boots/Necklace: Wet Seal {surprise surprise}

I despise January.
Not only is it freezing cold, but it's also the month of Christmas present returns and no shoppers.
My store has been insanely dead for the past week now. The poor customers who do come in are attacked by us like we're vultures. It's my job, but I always feel annoying when I ask the same customer 4 times if they're doing ok. I'm sure they want to punch me.

On a much darker side of that....I also hate January because I have never received good news.
Back in 2010 this was the month that we found out my grandma had cancer and not long after that my grandpa passed away from years and years of suffering with emphysema. It was the most devastating month of my whole life thus far. In 2011 Taran found out that his grandma was about to lose her battle with colon cancer, and that same month she passed. I was heartbroken for Taran and his family, and also crushed because I never got a chance to meet her.
Last year in 2012 I found out that my dear uncle Scott passed away after his long fight with HIV/AIDs. It was terrible because no one had heard from him in such a long time, and we found out long after he was actually gone. I was never super close to him, but he was a talented and good man and I'm still sad I never got to see him one last time.

This year, I hate to say, we discovered that chemo treatment is not working for my grandma. I'm not going to go too far into depth with this one because it's very hard on me. It's hard to even type this and think about it.
Today I also found out that cousin's grandma {her mom's mom...no relation to me} passed away this morning. I don't know much about her, but I know she's had diabetes and has been really sick for a really long time. Despite things that have happened and all the unresolved issues....all that aside, I am sad for them.

I'm sorry this post jumped from work related complaints to something so tragic, but to be honest with you my mind has been in tangles. Like chains of jewelry twisted together. I am having a hard time even forming my words together.
I will keep you all updated and if anyone has any questions don't hesitate to ask. I'll try to untangle my messy brain and make some sense of things.

xoxo

bitchin'

Romper:  Charlotte Russe | Shoes: Ross
Don't you love that my little pup wanted to join me? She's fashionable too.

Some days you just need to vent. Whether it's over life in general or over little things.
That's where I am today. Just little things that made me shake my head in disbelief, laugh and use my blog to bitch it out.

So, this one is for the jerk that almost rear ended me this morning, and then had the nerve to look at me like I was the dumb one! Listen here sir, you just made an illegal left turn and I know that for a fact because I had to pay a $90 ticket for doing the same thing awhile ago. Clearly you are not the only person that has somewhere to be. Do it properly and save yourself from causing an accident. Thanks.

And this one is to the girls who treat us badly when they go shopping. You're no better than me just because I'm here to help you. I'm a person too. Thanks.

Another one for the customer who got mad because we have policies and we follow them strictly. You had 30 days to return your items, I don't care if you are a day late. I'm not losing my job because you didn't want your clothes anymore. Thanks


Oh, and one more for myself for not wearing some shorts underneath this romper. Whoops, it's a lot shorter than I thought and I'm glad the time I realized that was when I was bent over in the back room, away from customers. Note to self for next time!


I feel better now. :)
I hope everyone had a good Wednesday! All ranting aside, I had a really good day.

Strip

As much as I love clothes and fashion there is nothing better than coming home after a long day and take off all those pieces that you've had enough of. Such as taking your bracelet off because it's making your arm sweaty, or taking off your belt because you're sick of adjusting it.
It just feels nice to relax, especially when it's hot outside.
Extremely hot.

Summer is coming :)

Futures

Shorts/Blazer/Earrings: Charlotte Russe | Top/Necklace/Shoes: Wet Seal

I took such a long break from blogging, now that I'm back I see that most of the girls I follow are pregnant! Congratulations to all of them, even though they won't read this.
Pregnancy is definitely something that is something I will worry about in the far far future. I'm excited to have a family one day, but I can barely take care of myself, there is no way I can have a child any time soon.
Once Taran and I get married I'd like to focus on us for quite awhile before expanding our family. I think it's fair to have hubby and wife selfish time while you're still young.

My future has been on my mind a lot lately. Since I've felt like I'm in such a rut it's definitely taken a toll on me and dragged me down.
I'm going to be 23 in less than 2 months and I feel stuck.
I frustrate myself because I feel like I should be doing something more, but I don't know what. Here I am working in the same building for almost 5 years now, hoping to start a career in what I'm doing. But what if hoping isn't enough? It probably isn't.
Taran stumbled into his job, and now that is his career. He found what he loved doing by accident and he is really good at it.
Not to sound cynical and negative, but there's not a lot that I feel like I am good at besides the job I have now. Sure, you can tell me it's a silly job and anyone can do it because it may be true.

Currently I'm battling with myself, over what the hell I'm going to do and how the hell I'm going to be a wife when I feel so stuck by myself.

Now, despite all this, I am very happy.
I am blessed with a wonderful family, wonderful friends and a wonderful fiance.

I guess I'm just in funk.

Stay tuned, I'm going to figure this all out.

Stress Reliever

Shoes/Jeans/Scarf: Charlotte Russe | Top: Wet Seal

Since my life has been getting frustrating lately, I wanted to hear what you all do in times of stress? What is your go-to mood enhancer? How much better do you feel after?
Here are a few of mine.

• Sleeping.
  I know it's not the healthiest, but if I could just nap away a problem for the time being it usually helps me deal with it better afterwards.
• Crafting.
  It takes my mind of my problem and helps me relax. I'll scrapbook, make cards or create something new.
• Coffee.
  All kinds. Hot or cold. It just makes me feel alright.
• Circa Survive.
  Their music is my favorite thing for any mood any time of the day, but something about cranking it up when I'm feeling down or stressed just helps make things not suck so much.
• Kissing.
  Don't act surprised, have you seen my fiance? Yeah, any chance to get some loving from him makes me feel much better.
• Shopping.
  No need to explain there.
• Creating outfits.
  Whether it's just goofing around online, or when I'm at work. I love putting stuff together to create a cute look. Re-doing mannequins to wear whatever I want makes my day. It's another way I can just be creative and relax.

I have a tendency to stress out easily, but luckily I've found some things to calm my nerves.
I'd love to hear your thoughts!

Have a wonderful day :)

Food poisoning and Football

Yesterday my baby brother turned 6. We were all supposed to go eat, then have cake and ice cream for him. Unfortunately I woke up yesterday morning and my stomach did not want to indulge in any of those plans. I was so sick, and ended up just spending the entire day in my bed. I'm thinking what got me was food poisoning, because I've never felt sick that certain way before. Also; all I ate the day before was beef teriyaki from the food court.
Basically I was miserable all day and I missed out on celebrating Gentry's birthday. Which sucks, because he didn't have school and I actually had the night off.

Isn't he the most adorable 6 year old though?

 

Luckily I'm feeling a lot better today. I haven't had much of an appetite, but I don't feel like my stomach is going to turn itself inside out.

I also have to thank my sweet fiance for getting me a bucket in case I had to puke and for snuggling with me while rubbing my tummy. I am so grateful for this guy.

And with that I'll just say that I do not understand football.

Mom and Taran are sitting here watching the Broncos/Patriots game and it's going right over my head.

My mom is a huge football fan and she tries to explain it, but it's a lot to take. 

Maybe one day I'll make her proud and cheer with her ;P

Telescope Eyes

Please don't make me cry,
Please don't make me cry,
I'm just like you I know you know,
I'm just like you so leave me alone

 

Dress: Wet Seal | Belt: Rue 21 | Shoes: Sears | Jewelry: Icing

Life has felt chaotic lately.

Mostly I just feel like I can't sit still for a minute to breathe.

And it's not that I'm constantly busy, because I'm not.

Today at work I was looking at the calender and I realized that this month has felt so long. I feel like my birthday and anniversary were so long ago. I feel like I was promoted months ago. The fact that one of the managers just walked out on her job, and then when my manager was debating between quitting or not. It felt like it all happened way longer than just a few weeks.

But it's all been July.

I feel like this month has just made me tired. I feel run down.

I know it's not going to change for a while though. There's just a lot happening at work, at home.

I'm not going to complain though, life is going great. I'm in a happy place and I'm loving the direction I'm going in. I am really grateful for all the things life has given me, so when I get stressed and start to feel run down I start to wonder what it is.

 

Then I realize:

I'm extremely empathetic and compassionate.

I take on other people's stresses as if their my own.

Mostly just people closest to me, like my mom and Taran. So, when they're stressed I stress for them. If they're sad, I'm sad too. If they're mad, I am mad. 

The past few weeks I've watched my mom bite her tongue and deal with a very unpleasant situation. She is so strong and wouldn't feel so silence unless it was for someone she really loved.

Also Taran has stressed about money for weeks. He is so sweet and caring and he worries about how I will feel about him being financially rocky. He doesn't like to show his stress, but I can see it. But he knows I don't care about money, the struggles aren't forever and he always has me.

Anyway...

It's funny how feeling stress can be so exhausting.

{fyi: song unrelated to post.}

amen fashion

These pictures looked a lot better on the little camera screen than they did on the computer. Eh, oh well. The sun was going down anyway.
Top/Jeans: Wet Seal | Belt: Charlotte Russe | Earrings/Necklace: Forever 21 | Shoes: Kohl's

A few notes for today

1. I have played the sh*t out of Born This Way. Seriously, if you are a Lady Gaga fan and you haven't listened to it, you are missing out. The entire album is brilliant. The music, lyrics. It's so edgy, but still danceable and her voice is incredible. I am in love.
2. Officially starting training for my new position at work this week! I am thrilled. It couldn't have come at a better time. And the fact that I'm making more now as a Keyholder than I was as an Assistant Manager is really saying something. I'm glad I got this job, I love it there! Basically I'm now a part-time manager, so I'll have authority but I can still have a second job if I feel like it. Plus I'll be working mostly mornings which I love. 
3. My birthday is in less than a month and I've planned a fancy night out with my close friends at The Cheesecake Factory. I am so excited! I didn't want to do anything too wild and crazy so I thought a nice dinner at a nice restaurant would be perfect. {Side note: I always manage to spell restaurant wrong}
4. Mine and Taran's anniversary is the day after my birthday. He suggested that we hand-make each other our gifts this year, meaning he already knew what he wanted to do. Afraid of it turning into a Friends episode I had to wrack my brain for ideas. Something that wasn't too girly, but showed my feelings and something that he would love. Finally I decided! I'm excited about it, so excited that I actually started it last night! I'm not going to post what it is on here in case word gets to him, or if he actually reads it. But I'll tell you this: it's going to be awesome.
5. Harry. Potter. Deathly. Hallows. Part. Two. Next. Month.
   Do I need to say anymore? I am ecstatic! I feel like I've waited my whole life for this, {and I kind of have.} Harry Potter came out when I was 10 years old and in the 4th grade. I grew up with it, Harry grew up with me. I've been there with him throughout this whole battle and it's finally ending. Part of me is crushed that everything is ending now, but the other part of me knows that I'll read the books to my children, and watch the movies. I'll laugh again, cry again and feel triumphant because that's what Harry Potter has done for most of my life. I'm looking forward to seeing this finale and I'm sad to see it go.
   Harry will always have a special place in my heart.

I'm back!

Isn't it funny how much we depend on the internet nowadays? Ours was down for only a few days and I felt so completely out of the loop.
It's crazy how we rely on things like Facebook, Blogs, Twitter etc. instead of reading the paper or watching the news. I just hope this technology dependency doesn't get worse as we discover more things.

Anyway, I don't have much to blog about I just wanted to let whoever reads this silly blog that I'm back!

In recent news: here's a picture of me and the best friends at Kristaufs Martini Bar for my cousin Katie's 21st birthday. It was a fun night, and I hope she enjoyed her birthday.

L to R: Jerrica, me, Crystal and Katie the birthday girl!