I don't want to start this post by saying "everything sucks" because that sounds so trite. However, at the moment everything kind of does suck.
Okay, not everything sucks. I have a great family, a wonderful husband, a roof over my head, two adorable puppies, a job....I could go on and on for days. I'm a very thankful person with a good life. No matter what hardships I go through I'm constantly aware that things could always be worse.
While I know that things can always be worse, I am still human. I'm a person feeling stressed and overwhelmed. I'm allowed to vent, which is what I'm going to do.

If you don't want to read a whole post about me feeling sorry for myself then I suggest you close this. That's not a guilt trip, I really don't care who reads this or not, it's my blog. I'm not even going to promote this post on Facebook or Instagram. I just want to let you know now that I'm bout to get all riled up with my emotions.

I'll just start by saying my confidence got knocked down quite a few pegs last week when I did my yearly review at work. Truthfully, I don't even want to get into details about it at all. Saying that it wrecked me is quite enough I think.
I've always been confident in my work standards, I know I'm not perfect and I will be the first person to admit that. I'm still a lump of clay in some areas, who is always willing to be molded into something or someone better. True, I may forget that sometimes...I may get ahead of myself or fall into a personal funk {which I tend to do sometimes...like I said, not perfect}
When I started my call center job back in January I was so nervous because I hadn't done anything besides retail my whole {working} life. I worried that I wouldn't be good at it, that I would mess up, that I simply couldn't do it. But no matter how nervous I was, I went into work every day with ambition and eagerness. Now I know a call center isn't wonderful, a toddler could probably do it, but it boosted my confidence a lot to try something new and to excel at it. I really enjoyed the new environment, the new types of people, the difference in work expectations, it was all great.
That being said, I let my anxiety get in the way and cause me to resign. The last few weeks I was working there I was feeling like a mess because of high anxiety. I woke up sick to my stomach, not wanting to leave my bed. The fact that we were scheduled 12 days straight of mandatory overtime, and the fact that there was the impending layoff over my head was just getting to me.
So, I resigned.
Looking back now I think about how I should have just sucked it up and stayed until the lay off. I should have drug my ass out of bed every morning, put on a smile and worked. Now that I resigned I wish I hadn't because there was overtime, because there was a couple more weeks of money in my pocket, because there was possible unemployment even....
But, I didn't. And that's it, I can't take it back now I can only hope I left with good enough stats to get me rehired in the future.

Since quitting the call center I've only been working part time at the mall. Let me just say, I love that job, I truly do....but how anyone can live on just that? Ten, maybe fifteen hours a week? It's a joke. It's not for people with bills to pay, dogs to feed, a house to maintain, or definitely not for someone without health insurance.

Which brings me to my next issue.
Healthcare is a joke. It's ridiculous. I had to pay $60 the other day to go, sit in a little room and tell my doctor "yes, I'm fine" just so he will refill my Zoloft prescription for another six months. Do you think working 20 hours every two weeks is going to pay for that on top of other necessities? Nope.
I was due for an appointment at my obgyn in March, which is $150 for me to spread my legs on a table, and get another years worth of contraceptives because I don't want a child right now. I had to call my doctor and request to push the appointment back a couple months because of finances. Well, now I'm just finishing up my final pack of birth control and I still can't afford to go in.
I woke up at 5:00 Monday morning with a horrible throbbing pain in my gums. Didn't think much of it because I know I have bad teeth that need work, just haven't gotten around to it yet. Went to work for a few hours that afternoon and the pain came back. When I got home I took some pain reliever and took a small nap. When I woke up it looked like I had been sucker punched in the face. The entire left side of my face was swollen and tender so I made a note to call a dentist in the morning and get in as soon as possible.
The next morning I had to get up for my previously mentioned $60 doctor appointment. When I woke up I was in an immeasurable amount of pain and my face was huge. I cried the whole way to the doctor appointment and could barely open my mouth enough to speak to him. Right after I left I called a dentist office that took Taran's insurance {luckily I do have dental through him} and I found one literally on the same street as my doctor's office. They scheduled me to come in that afternoon, and when I got there even the receptionist could tell I was miserable. Luckily they quickly took me in for an x-ray and determination of what was going on. Obviously a root canal was needed, plus antibiotics for the infection causing swelling. They were great about making it work so they could help me that day and before I knew it they were holding my jaw open with some weird tube and drilling at my teeth for a half hour straight.
Let me just say, root canals are not cheap. Even with insurance. They're so not cheap that they needed a financial manager to come in and discuss payments with me. Oh good, there's another $90 each month to go toward a stupid tooth. A tooth that I couldn't afford to maintain because I didn't have dental insurance for so many years.
Granted, I could have gone in and done the payment thing before. It was always an option. But just google how much a root canal is without insurance. Just look it up. It's disgusting.

I'm not trying to sound like a whiny baby here. Like I said before: things could always be worse.
But right now I'm in a really tough situation where I am so stressed out I'm thinking about selling some organs for cash. {Not really}
I feel like it's been one thing after another, and while I shouldn't have quit my job the fact is that I was still being laid off 3 weeks after I resigned anyway. I'd still be in this position where I'm working a part time job only.
Oh and I've been looking that is for sure. I have an app on my phone that I check constantly throughout the day, everyday. I've posted resumes, turned in applications and even had an interview. So I'm trying. Really hard. Unfortunately I'm just not having any luck.

Which is why I'm here, writing this blog post to vent. Because I feel stuck, and down and stressed and inadequate. I'm so incredibly grateful for my husband who picked up all my prescriptions while I was in bed sore looking like a chipmunk. Who tells me we will figure stuff out when I come home from the store with limited groceries, and another $85 out of my bank account, crying my eyes out. Who believes in me and my abilities. Who holds me and listens to me rant when I came home sobbing after my review.
I have so much shit going on right now {as does he, but that's a whole different story} but I am truly so lucky. I'm going to get through this because I can.

"And the walls kept tumbling down
In the city that we love
Great clouds roll over the hills
Bringing darkness from above"


  1. Oh Bryana...girl I am so sorry that the world is giving you a hail storm right now. I wish I could help you! I don't know what else to say except that i love you, I am praying for you and it WILL get better soon! I just know it. Always here if you need to talk. xoxoxoxo

  2. You are stronger than you think! Yes, you have an incredibly wonderful husband. ... but then, he has an incredibly wonderful wife! !!! ~Hugs


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