grieving

It has taken me an entire week to write this post. I kept meaning to start it, but couldn't bring myself to sit down and think of the right words to use.

Last Sunday my dear grandma, who has been battling Ovarian Cancer for the past 3 years, passed away. We all knew it was coming, but it definitely didn't make the news hurt any less. My mom called me that morning to inform me that she was gone, and in that two minute conversation I heard that phrase that I never wanted to come.
Death is inevitable, it's a part of life, but I knew this one was coming and I can't decide if that's what made it harder. It was expected, they told us in January that she didn't have a lot of time...you all know that this was the exact reason I got married in March.
I think a part of me wanted to ignore the truth though, and hope that she would magically get better. It's silly, I know, but what grandchild wants to admit that their grandma is going to die? Acceptance isn't as easy as it seems.
After I got off the phone with my mom I laid in bed and cried and cried...harder than I've cried in a really long time. I'm so lucky Taran was there because I don't know what I would have done without him, all he did was hold me but that was what I needed.

I know it's for the best, because she was in so much pain, and I know she's in a better place. But it still makes my whole heart ache.

My grandma and I were very close, we had been since I was born. She was there for me my whole life from day 1. When my parents divorced I was only 3 and my dad was not around, so my grandma helped raise me. I would stay with her when my mom worked and even when she wasn't working I was spending my time at her house.
I remember spending hours playing with my Barbies, coloring, or just playing outside and she would just be right there watching TV or chatting away on the phone. We used to watch the Utah Jazz games together, she was so into it and we both loved Carl Malone. We loved to watch the figure skaters too, and she'd always lay on the floor with her head on a banana chair while we watched Rugrats together.
She gave me my first puppy, a little Yorkshire Terrier and her name was Shelby.
She loved animals, but mostly "wiener dogs" and horses.

When I got a bit older I stopped staying at her house as much and became more social with friends. That didn't stop me from loving her as much as I did though, and we'd always go out to eat or she'd bring us something for dinner. She never ate at home, if she did it wasn't too elaborate. Restaurants were her favorite, and she constantly went out to eat with friends, or her sisters or us. I'll never go into a diner and not think about her because that was her norm.

She bought me glasses and braces when I needed them most. After I got my braces on and I felt like an ugly duckling, she reminded me how beautiful I was and that after my teeth were fixed I would have an even more beautiful smile.
My husband makes fun of me for constantly being in photos or taking photos, but I tell him "you didn't grow up with my grandma, there was constantly a camera in my face growing up" and it's true. She had tons and tons of envelopes full of pictures of me. I like to think that maybe that is a reason I'm comfortable with  my appearance and that I have self confidence. {Also maybe why I'm always caught taking selfies ;) haha}

She always believed in me, and supported whatever dream I had. She listened to me sing when I wanted to be a singer. I wanted to be a songwriter and a rockstar too, so she bought me a piano and a guitar. 

When I was obsessed with dolphins and was sure I was going to be a trainer or a marine biologist, she took me to SeaWorld. There I got to do a program where I swam with a dolphin and a trainer. 

She kept all my drawings and stories. 

She taught me how to bowl and put me on a league. 

And even though I'm not a famous rockstar, dolphin trainer, writer or bowler she still supported me throughout it all. 

I'm never going to be okay with losing her, it was the hardest thing I've ever had to deal with. Eventually it won't hurt as much and I will be able to think of her and smile instead of cry. 

I have some of the greatest memories of my entire life with her included. 

My heart is broken. But she lived a great life and I am truly happy to have been apart of it and to know that she's no longer in pain. 

Feelings.

I'm just going to dive right into this post by saying that I am terrible with emotions. I don't know how to react when I'm upset, and I don't know how to react when someone around me is upset. My go-to method when somebody is crying is to try and be funny. My go-to method when I'm crying is to avoid it at all costs or just hide away.
I hate to cry. I hate to cry in front of one person, in front of a group or even just by myself. Hate it.
One thing I've learned about myself is that instead of letting it out with some tears I force myself not to cry and I just get angry instead. So, if you happen to know me you'll know when something bad happens I lose patience and I get frustrated rather than just letting myself feel sad.
When my grandpa passed away I cried, when Taran proposed I cried, when I burnt my hand badly on my flat iron I cried like a little bitch. It's not that I don't cry...I just hate to.
I'm not the type of person to let my emotions get the better of me or to show any sign of vulnerability. Instead of showing it, I just put up a wall and try to get past it alone. I tend to push people away, get angry and give myself panic attacks instead.
{I'm aware this is unhealthy....}

What I'm getting at here is that if you've seen me cry it's because something really got to me. If I say I don't want to talk about something it's because I'm avoiding crying. I feel awkward when someone watches me cry, I don't want anyone to ever feel sorry for me or pity me.
Over the past few days I've broken down more times than I have in a long time.

My grandma is not doing well, and I don't know how much time she has left. My heart is completely crushed and this is where I find myself unsure of how to act. I don't want to cry in front of my brothers, I don't want to get upset at work {even though I have...twice} and it's because I don't know how to explain how I'm feeling, I don't know what to say or how to be. I'm not good at feeling this way, it's much different than just having a bad day and feeling sad. If that was the case I would easily turn it around and laugh about it instead of shed any tears.

I don't mean to ever hurt anyone's feelings if I push you away in situations like this, to be honest I push myself away....if that makes any sense.
Right now I feel chaotic and like I'm unwinding. I don't feel okay.

So that being said, I probably won't want to talk about this in person. The point of this post is so that people maybe understand how my brain is wired with these types of things. I don't want you to feel sorry for me, or anything like that, I just want you to understand that I am a mess when it comes to emotions. It's just something I don't really know how to deal with....and I apologize.

Overwhelmed.

I know I haven't updated since my post about my decision to get married, but things have been crazy. Since I made my choice I sat down with Taran and we decided to do this as soon as possible, and that meant this Friday.
March 1st we will be getting married.

I was unsure how everyone would react to the news, but my heart is filled with gratitude because everyone has been so supportive and understanding. The moment we chose the date, I was beginning to panic thinking we wouldn't be able to pull it off. Luckily I have some incredible people in my life who have gone out of there way to make sure this day happens.

My mom has taken most of this under her wing and helped me get Taran's ring, a dress, shoes, Taran's tie, and the actual ceremony.
My dad is paying for Taran and I to have a honeymoon suite in a hotel for Friday night.
My sweet future step-mother-in-law offered to make me a bouquet.
My amazing boss (who happens to be a photographer) has figured the entire schedule out so that I could have my day off and this Saturday as well. She is also going to take pictures of the whole thing.
My mom's best friend and basically her sister is letting me wear her headband she wore for her wedding and her mother's diamond from when she married her father.
Friends and family have taken the day off and swapped their schedules around so they could come.

It is literally going to be a five minute courthouse ceremony, but so many people have helped out and shown such love toward us that it is truly going to be a very special day and I can't wait.

I will be wearing teal shoes, Taran's tie is teal and I just got my nails done teal. In honor of my grandma's favorite color and it is also the ribbon color for Ovarian Cancer Awareness.

I'm not a big crier, I hate it actually, but it's been hard for me to hold back tears this past week because I've been so overwhelmed with happiness and gratitude. I am so thankful for everyone in my life and for my future family that I am gaining on Friday.

I can't wait to marry the man of my dreams, my best friend and my other half.

Thank you all for everything, I can't express how much all this means to me.

candles & card games

On Monday Taran and I went down to my grandma's house to celebrate her birthday. A few other family members came as well and we had pizza. We tried to find birthday candles for her cake but she doesn't have any in her house, so instead we took some candle sticks and stuck them in the cake. Whatever works right?
It was great to see her smiling and having a good time. She really deserves to have things around her that make her smile, because she deserves to be happy despite everything.

Last night Crystal, Jerrica and I had a girls night. I had such a good time hanging out with my best friends and just being our weird selves. We had some drinks, watched Pitch Perfect and played games {somehow we always end up playing In A Pickle, but it's so much fun I don't even care} I laugh so much when I'm with them and I don't have to worry about anything. I hope we still have our girl's nights when we're 30, 40...even 50!
When we woke up this morning we all decided to go have some breakfast. The snow was awful to drive in, and I literally looked like I rolled out of bed and went there {oh wait I kinda did, ha!} But it was a good end to a good night with them. I wish we got to see each other more often, but I'm grateful for the times we do get to hang out. And I know we'll start having more nights to hang out soon :)

January Curse

What I Wore 1-09-13
Sweater/Leggings/Boots/Necklace: Wet Seal {surprise surprise}

I despise January.
Not only is it freezing cold, but it's also the month of Christmas present returns and no shoppers.
My store has been insanely dead for the past week now. The poor customers who do come in are attacked by us like we're vultures. It's my job, but I always feel annoying when I ask the same customer 4 times if they're doing ok. I'm sure they want to punch me.

On a much darker side of that....I also hate January because I have never received good news.
Back in 2010 this was the month that we found out my grandma had cancer and not long after that my grandpa passed away from years and years of suffering with emphysema. It was the most devastating month of my whole life thus far. In 2011 Taran found out that his grandma was about to lose her battle with colon cancer, and that same month she passed. I was heartbroken for Taran and his family, and also crushed because I never got a chance to meet her.
Last year in 2012 I found out that my dear uncle Scott passed away after his long fight with HIV/AIDs. It was terrible because no one had heard from him in such a long time, and we found out long after he was actually gone. I was never super close to him, but he was a talented and good man and I'm still sad I never got to see him one last time.

This year, I hate to say, we discovered that chemo treatment is not working for my grandma. I'm not going to go too far into depth with this one because it's very hard on me. It's hard to even type this and think about it.
Today I also found out that cousin's grandma {her mom's mom...no relation to me} passed away this morning. I don't know much about her, but I know she's had diabetes and has been really sick for a really long time. Despite things that have happened and all the unresolved issues....all that aside, I am sad for them.

I'm sorry this post jumped from work related complaints to something so tragic, but to be honest with you my mind has been in tangles. Like chains of jewelry twisted together. I am having a hard time even forming my words together.
I will keep you all updated and if anyone has any questions don't hesitate to ask. I'll try to untangle my messy brain and make some sense of things.

xoxo