Throughout your entire life you will make choices. They are simple things starting from childhood such as choosing vanilla or chocolate ice cream. As you grow up they get a little tougher, like where you should live, what car should you buy, etc. Some decisions you make will be for another person or simply for yourself.
There are some things; however, that you will come across in your life that will be out of your control and you won't get choose.
Three years ago doctors discovered my grandma had cancer, and for those three years she has had to suffer from something that was out of her hands. She didn't choose cancer, and if I could I wouldn't choose it for anyone else on this planet.
Now, there is absolutely no choice. She is at the end of the road, and what's left of the pavement in front of her is untouchable. It's inevitable. My heart won't stop breaking over this, and I don't know how long it will take me to recover. Even after her time is up, which I can't ever bring myself to think about. My brain won't even let me try.
The moment I heard the news, this haunting news about how there is nothing left to do for her I haven't been able to breathe right. One of the thoughts that surfaced to the top of my constant swimming thoughts was the simple fact: my grandma will not see me get married.
If you've ever felt like your chest was being crushed by a steamroller, you know how I feel.
Then came the time for me to make a choice.
Do I push the date forward so the most wonderful person in my life can be there?
The answer is yes.
My whole life I've looked up to this woman, and my whole life I'm imagined her watching me walk down the aisle. Never in my life did I picture it without her. And I still can't picture it, so I won't.
I am 1000% head over heels, over the moon in love with Taran. The day he asked me to marry me, there was never a question of whether it was right or not. He is the man of my dreams and he is who I want to spend the rest of my life with. Whether that happens next year, next month or tomorrow, it doesn't matter to me.
Sure, this isn't my favorite choice. God knows I never wanted a quick wedding, but I never wanted a wedding without my grandmother either. And she is more important than a gown, than a cake, than flowers....the goal is the same either way. I will marry Taran.
So it came down to choosing: small ceremony for grandma or large ceremony next year without her? It's a simple choice really, even though I've been beating myself over it for a week now. But the more I've thought about it the more I've realized how much I don't care about a wedding as much as I care about the marriage.
The decision has been made. Taran and I will have a small intimate ceremony and be married, but we will still be keeping our September 2014 date for a big reception and we'll probably even read our vows again.
Think of this as a selfish decision, maybe it is, I'm doing this for me. But I have the most supportive fiance who wants to marry me regardless and knows me well enough to tell me I would regret not having her present to see me take a big step in my life.
I'm hoping that no one will think less of me because of this and we won't get any hard feelings. If you would like to be present for the ceremony I would love to have you there. I just hope you will all understand my choice and my reasoning for doing this and will respect us for it as well.