Feelings.

I'm just going to dive right into this post by saying that I am terrible with emotions. I don't know how to react when I'm upset, and I don't know how to react when someone around me is upset. My go-to method when somebody is crying is to try and be funny. My go-to method when I'm crying is to avoid it at all costs or just hide away.
I hate to cry. I hate to cry in front of one person, in front of a group or even just by myself. Hate it.
One thing I've learned about myself is that instead of letting it out with some tears I force myself not to cry and I just get angry instead. So, if you happen to know me you'll know when something bad happens I lose patience and I get frustrated rather than just letting myself feel sad.
When my grandpa passed away I cried, when Taran proposed I cried, when I burnt my hand badly on my flat iron I cried like a little bitch. It's not that I don't cry...I just hate to.
I'm not the type of person to let my emotions get the better of me or to show any sign of vulnerability. Instead of showing it, I just put up a wall and try to get past it alone. I tend to push people away, get angry and give myself panic attacks instead.
{I'm aware this is unhealthy....}

What I'm getting at here is that if you've seen me cry it's because something really got to me. If I say I don't want to talk about something it's because I'm avoiding crying. I feel awkward when someone watches me cry, I don't want anyone to ever feel sorry for me or pity me.
Over the past few days I've broken down more times than I have in a long time.

My grandma is not doing well, and I don't know how much time she has left. My heart is completely crushed and this is where I find myself unsure of how to act. I don't want to cry in front of my brothers, I don't want to get upset at work {even though I have...twice} and it's because I don't know how to explain how I'm feeling, I don't know what to say or how to be. I'm not good at feeling this way, it's much different than just having a bad day and feeling sad. If that was the case I would easily turn it around and laugh about it instead of shed any tears.

I don't mean to ever hurt anyone's feelings if I push you away in situations like this, to be honest I push myself away....if that makes any sense.
Right now I feel chaotic and like I'm unwinding. I don't feel okay.

So that being said, I probably won't want to talk about this in person. The point of this post is so that people maybe understand how my brain is wired with these types of things. I don't want you to feel sorry for me, or anything like that, I just want you to understand that I am a mess when it comes to emotions. It's just something I don't really know how to deal with....and I apologize.