grieving

It has taken me an entire week to write this post. I kept meaning to start it, but couldn't bring myself to sit down and think of the right words to use.

Last Sunday my dear grandma, who has been battling Ovarian Cancer for the past 3 years, passed away. We all knew it was coming, but it definitely didn't make the news hurt any less. My mom called me that morning to inform me that she was gone, and in that two minute conversation I heard that phrase that I never wanted to come.
Death is inevitable, it's a part of life, but I knew this one was coming and I can't decide if that's what made it harder. It was expected, they told us in January that she didn't have a lot of time...you all know that this was the exact reason I got married in March.
I think a part of me wanted to ignore the truth though, and hope that she would magically get better. It's silly, I know, but what grandchild wants to admit that their grandma is going to die? Acceptance isn't as easy as it seems.
After I got off the phone with my mom I laid in bed and cried and cried...harder than I've cried in a really long time. I'm so lucky Taran was there because I don't know what I would have done without him, all he did was hold me but that was what I needed.

I know it's for the best, because she was in so much pain, and I know she's in a better place. But it still makes my whole heart ache.

My grandma and I were very close, we had been since I was born. She was there for me my whole life from day 1. When my parents divorced I was only 3 and my dad was not around, so my grandma helped raise me. I would stay with her when my mom worked and even when she wasn't working I was spending my time at her house.
I remember spending hours playing with my Barbies, coloring, or just playing outside and she would just be right there watching TV or chatting away on the phone. We used to watch the Utah Jazz games together, she was so into it and we both loved Carl Malone. We loved to watch the figure skaters too, and she'd always lay on the floor with her head on a banana chair while we watched Rugrats together.
She gave me my first puppy, a little Yorkshire Terrier and her name was Shelby.
She loved animals, but mostly "wiener dogs" and horses.

When I got a bit older I stopped staying at her house as much and became more social with friends. That didn't stop me from loving her as much as I did though, and we'd always go out to eat or she'd bring us something for dinner. She never ate at home, if she did it wasn't too elaborate. Restaurants were her favorite, and she constantly went out to eat with friends, or her sisters or us. I'll never go into a diner and not think about her because that was her norm.

She bought me glasses and braces when I needed them most. After I got my braces on and I felt like an ugly duckling, she reminded me how beautiful I was and that after my teeth were fixed I would have an even more beautiful smile.
My husband makes fun of me for constantly being in photos or taking photos, but I tell him "you didn't grow up with my grandma, there was constantly a camera in my face growing up" and it's true. She had tons and tons of envelopes full of pictures of me. I like to think that maybe that is a reason I'm comfortable with  my appearance and that I have self confidence. {Also maybe why I'm always caught taking selfies ;) haha}

She always believed in me, and supported whatever dream I had. She listened to me sing when I wanted to be a singer. I wanted to be a songwriter and a rockstar too, so she bought me a piano and a guitar. 

When I was obsessed with dolphins and was sure I was going to be a trainer or a marine biologist, she took me to SeaWorld. There I got to do a program where I swam with a dolphin and a trainer. 

She kept all my drawings and stories. 

She taught me how to bowl and put me on a league. 

And even though I'm not a famous rockstar, dolphin trainer, writer or bowler she still supported me throughout it all. 

I'm never going to be okay with losing her, it was the hardest thing I've ever had to deal with. Eventually it won't hurt as much and I will be able to think of her and smile instead of cry. 

I have some of the greatest memories of my entire life with her included. 

My heart is broken. But she lived a great life and I am truly happy to have been apart of it and to know that she's no longer in pain.