Alone

Lately I have been feeling down and lonely. Life is so odd and I'm trying to grasp things but I can't seem to get a grip on anything. Everything around me is changing, making me feel anxious. I'm waiting on Taran to move in here, but he can't move in until my mom moves out and that is weird because all I've known in this house for the past 20 years is my mom going to bed in her room and waking up in the same room. Now it's going to be my room, our room, which I haven't quite gotten used to yet. Maybe because her bed is still here and I'm still sleeping in my room with my pink walls and my Fight Club poster next to my bed. Even though I've been alone the past few weeks it still doesn't feel like this is my own house now, I just feel lonely. Since we found out my grandma doesn't have much time I have consistently been losing my will to do simple things. I hate it. I can't stand feeling so down and I can't seem to pull myself out of it. When Taran isn't here it's just me and my dog, who makes me feel safe and loves me but she can't talk to me and understand me. I know it's a lot of adjusting to do, but change is hard for me, especially something this big.

I'm slowly trying to get myself out of my funk, trying not to feel so tired and down. Today I got up and cleaned up around the house and when I got home from work I decided to think of myself and try to enjoy the quiet alone-ness. I'm cuddled up on the couch in my comfy sweats and fuzzy socks. I am drinking a yummy drink with peach schnapps, watching one of my favorite shows and I'm going to vent my ass off in my journal. (Which...I guess I'm doing now too, but I put more personal things in the journal obviously.)

I know I have to get used to these changes in my life but before I can, I need to get myself happier and more motivated to do so. Life is funny, change is strange, but I'm doing my best.