two zero one zero

It's sort of obligatory for a blogger to recap their year when it's over. I know I'm a bit late because it is the 4th now...but here it is!

2010 was probably the roughest year I've had to get through. It started with high hopes and I wanted to make the year great. However, sometimes life has other plans for you...I can't only complain because some wonderful things did happen, and I'll get there. But like I said, 2010 was rough.

The beginning of January my grandma had been feeling extremely ill. She couldn't eat anything, she was nauseous and her stomach starting bloating out. If you know my grandma then you'll know how stubborn she is, and once everyone started to tell her to go the the doctor she spouted off how she was "fine". But the sicker she got the more persistent we all were to her going to the doctor. Finally she went, and I came home from work to the news...cancer.
My grandma has cancer. And I just remember crying and crying. I don't ever cry, I hate to.
More specifically she had ovarian cancer which is one of the cancers that doesn't give early warning signs. My grandma was just at the right age for it to start showing up, and the doctors say most women are older and have the same symptoms my grandma had. My mom explained it to me the way the doctor explained it to her, because surgery and cancer is upsetting and complicated. Basically she had tumors all over in her ovaries and in that entire area of her body. During surgery they were going to do what they could and take out as much of the large tumor as possible and also perform a hysterectomy because all of her female organs were full of tumors. The surgery was set for the following week and I couldn't believe how fast it was all happening.
When my grandma told my grandpa...the man who hardly ever speaks, he said to her "I wish it was me instead of you".
The night before grandma's surgery {which was a Sunday} we threw a little birthday party for my brother who was turning 4. She had to drink some stuff so that she could clear her system and prepare for surgery. It was horrible, my poor grandma can't even walk well enough as it is and she had to keep running to the bathroom!
The next morning mom and I headed to Salt Lake City to the hospital where her surgery was happening. I remember just feeling exhausted...and wrecked. Emotionally and physically. Luckily I had gotten the day off work so I could be there with my mom and for my grandma.
Being in that hospital was one of the longest days of my entire life. I was nervous, antsy, stressed, upset...worried...etc. Every time a doctor would walk by we would all tense up in anticipation, hoping it was for her. Mom and I wandered around the hospital and had lunch and dinner in the cafeteria.
I wrote things, I drew things....I bought a Doodle book from the gift shop. Anything to keep my head sturdy and to pass the time.
Finally -- after being there {literally} all day, she was out. The surgery went extremely well and they were moving her up to her room. Have you ever felt so relieved that you don't even realize your body was tensed up so tightly? I felt like I had been carrying a backpack full of bricks.

The rest of the week went pretty smooth, I worked and mom kept me updated on grandma. It was fine, up until that Friday when my mom had to take my grandpa to the hospital. He had been struggling breathing since my grandma found out about the cancer, and he suffered from emphysema on top of it...it doubled his struggle. Unfortunately my grandpa was in a hospital in Ogden and my grandma was all the way in SLC, unable to even get out of bed let alone see my grandpa.
A week went by, exactly a week...and the next Friday my grandpa passed away at the hospital.
Once again all I remember is crying...and crying. My work was very caring and understanding and let me take whatever days I needed off. My store manager even came to the viewing, which most people wouldn't expect.
That week was exceptionally hard...I was so tired and drained. My grandma was still in the hospital and unable to go to the viewing or the funeral. Mom and I were attached to each other, side by side through everything and I think we kept each other sane. My best friends were also great shoulders to cry on and were there for me. {Unfortunately I couldn't say the same for my boyfriend...but that's a differen't story}
My grandpa was a wonderful man, and he is terribly missed.

The next few months were work and work and more work. I kept my head up and pushed myself through panic attacks as my grandma went through her chemo treatments and slowly started to become thinner and weaker. It was tough, but she was strong and it made us strong.

My mom's divorce was finalized and the man that helped raise me for 15 was gone like that. Without a word. I could dive into that subject, but truthfully I don't care to.

In March, I was headed home from work when I got a call from my mom saying I needed to get home right away. I was nervous about that and I asked her why
"Just hurry home, there's someone here"
"I can't tell you, just get home now"
It's pretty safe to say I sped the whole way home, I couldn't really deal with another bad surprise but I had no idea what to expect. Who would be at my house?
I got home and walked through the door, into the living room, then into the TV room where my ex boyfriend Taran was standing. My jaw literally dropped and all that I said was "holy shit."
See...Taran may have been my ex but we were always close. We dated for awhile while we were both sophomores, and he was my first kiss and first love. Sadly he ended up moving away with his mom to Minnesota. It broke my heart because we were perfect together, and I always told myself...somehow, someday if it's meant to be it'll happen. We'll find each other. Throughout the years we stayed in touch on and off and we both grew up and apart, I met Ian and my relationship with him grew while my relationship with Taran disappeared. It was tough because he had always been one of my best friends. For about a year we hadn't spoken at all, and now he was standing in my living room. {Looking devilishly handsome...I'm allowed to say that now :) hehe} 
He explained to me that he moved back and was on his way home from a job fair and he wanted to stop by and say hello to everyone. We all sat down and talked, strangely as if it had only been a day since we saw each other last. He said he was living with his dad and stepmom again, and was looking for a job. He asked about Ian and I and we discussed everything that has happened with our family the past few months. It was crazy and insane but awesome at the same time.
I was honest with Ian about it and I told him everything, because he had always been insecure about Taran. It caused a fight, surprise surprise but I had hopes that it would be okay...no troubles.

The next couple of months were the calm after the storm...I worked, hung out with friends, spent time with Ian, and even hung out with Taran a few times. The way I think of things is this: if you are in a committed relationship with somebody, you shouldn't keep the other person in the dark. You're allowed to have friends of the opposite sex, but I don't feel that you should spend time with that friend alone. I don't think it's right, and it did cause a giant fight between Ian and I the year prior because he was hanging out alone with Mandy {who is his current girlfriend, funny how stuff works out haha} So, I told Ian that I was going to keep my friendship with Taran and was going to hang out with him, but I wouldn't go and do stuff with him. I mostly hung out with him and my mom and watched stupid movies or had dinner. Really, that was it...I think that sounded fair, don't you?
However hard I tried to convince Ian that I wanted to stay friends with Taran it just wasn't happening as well as I thought it would. Fight after fight ensued and I could feel myself pulling away slowly and slowly. I felt trapped and secluded in my own relationship, because of something I was trying to justify as being fair. I wanted him to hang out with HIS friends...even female friends so why couldn't I? Yes, Taran and I previously dated, but did that mean I was going to stray? No.
I could persuade and convince and beg and plead for hours, but nothing ever changed. It was just a subject that got the cold shoulder and the turn of the other cheek.

Grandma had more chemo treatments, and luckily they seemed to be doing their job. Even though they were taking a toll on her, she was always tired and sick. But my grandma is a fighter. My mom even bought her a tshirt that says: "Cancer, you picked the wrong bitch" -- it's so perfect!

In May, I went with Jerrica to see my favorite band {Circa Survive} play. On our way there we got insanely lost and ended up going in some odd direction...it's hilarious to look back on now, but at the time it was pretty intense. Especially because my phone was close to dying and we needed my GPS!! Finally we got there and the show was insane! I had such a blast, and I wish they had performed all night. Once they were done the headlining band came out {Coheed & Cambria} and Jerr and I backed away from the crazy crowds to get some merch and to find Randi and Bill. We ended up staying back near the merch table for the rest of the show, just because mosh pits are scary and I'll only endure them when it's Circa - ha!
As we're standing there a guy walked by and Jerrica says "Bryana, is that Anthony Green?" I hadn't seen so I just shrugged and said "I doubt it, probably not"
She stops me and says "No, Bryana....that's Anthony Green" my heard dropped and began to flutter! I bee lined my way back to their merch table and there he was, in all his glory, standing there taking photos and signing autographs.
I felt like starstruck spazzy little girl! And truthfully...I really was, I didn't even know what to say. My hands were sweaty and shaky and I couldn't believe my eyes. The lead singer of my favorite band, my idol, standing right there.
I'll admit, I was pretty rude but I blame it on my adrenaline, because I pushed my way to the front of the crowd so I didn't miss him - ha!! It pays to be tiny, you can squeeze through.
But there he was, standing in front of me. He hugged me and told me "thank you for being a fan, thank you for growing with us". I don't even remember what I said. Probably something along the lines of "OhmygodIloveyousomuch" Jerrica took a picture of us together and he signed my shirt.
Best night ever. Seriously....thinking about it as I type this makes me feel all giddy inside. {I'm such a girl sometimes :p }

The first week of June, in hopes to repair what was left of our relationship, Ian and I took a weekend trip to St. George. It was a fun trip, it was nice to get away and not worry about work. We really didn't do much there, we drove around and looked at pretty things and went shopping. Hung out in the hotel and swam in the pool {once.} but I guess it was better than being home. Surprisingly we got along pretty well, and we enjoyed each other.
That didn't last.
The day we got home we got into a huge fight, and I don't even remember what for. I remember there was crying involved and it wasn't from me....it was awkward and frustrating and that was just the beginning of the end for me. I felt like I couldn't do anything right, I felt like I was causing more grief and heartache in this relationship than there should be. And I tried, and tried and tried to make it work. Because I did love him. Now looking back I just realize it was empty love. I loved him but I hadn't been IN love with him for a long time, mostly I just talked myself into it.
A few weeks later, it was over.
Odd that a {almost} 4 year long relationship was over so fast, and a tiny portion of me feels guilty for the way it ended...but just signified that it hadn't been working, it was a long time coming.
I pushed so hard in that relationship that I was starting to feel restless and tired. You can only carry someone for so long until you start to feel yourself weaken.
I'm not sad it's over.
But it was sad to see something grow for 4 years only to get stuck between a rock and hard place. It was inevitable.

When we got home from St. George I was greeted at home with a little puppy that my mom had bought for us kids! A little miniature Austrailian Shepherd that my brother had named Stella. She's so funny and smart. I adore her!

A week after that happened, I had plans to hang out with Taran when I got off of work at 10:00. I was excited because I could finally hang out with my friend and not feel like I was a bad person! I got off work and headed home when BAM!
My car + another car = rear end collision.

It happened so fast. My mind was racing.
"Bryana...break break break now!" Nope. Not fast enough. Airbag. Crunching noise. Ipod flying. Coughing.
I didn't even realize what had happened until I really looked and saw that I had indeed rear ended the car in front of me.
I freaked out! I didn't know who to call first because my mind was racing. Cops. Right. Call the cops. So I dial 911 and explain {in so many...or so little words} that there had been an accident. She explained to me that girl in the car had just gotten off the phone with them and they already had highway patrol on their way. Then I don't remember if I called Taran or my mom next. But I think it was Taran because he was at my house babysitting my brothers until I could get there. I told him what happened and told him not to worry. Next I called my mom, who was on her way home from IDAHO. I was so upset and freaked out she had to try and calm me down via phone. She asked if I had talked to the other car and I said "I haven't moved because of the traffic" as I said that I watched the girl get out of the passenger side and I told my mom "oh someone's coming over here...wow she looks like Steph....Oh my god mom I hit Steph!!!"
Yes, of all the people on the freeway, of all the times, of all the places I rear ended my friend and coworker Steph and her husband Kenan. She came over to my window crying and asked if I was okay.
Everyone was fine. Thank God.
Kenan's brother and sister-in-law pulled up and Kenan helped me get out of my car so him and his brother could moved my car off the freeway. And then I saw the damage for the first time. My poor little turquoise Mustang, poor Lucy had been smashed, crashed, dented and destroyed.
I felt horrible...I was crying, it was windy, I was sore, cars were flying by and I was in a dress. Steph hugged me and next thing I know my mom was there. We made sure everyone was okay and not hurt and we waited until the cop finally showed up. He asked us to fill out incident report papers to explain our sides of the story and we had to get all of our insurance and paper work. Thank goodness my mom was there because I was so frantic and panicked I couldn't even think straight. I filled out my paperwork and Steph finished theirs. We were all standing by each other and we started talking. The cop says "you two know each other?" and we
laughed and said "we work together!"
Steph gave me a big hug and said "I'm glad you're okay! I love you!"
The cop laughed again and said "You know, part of the reason they send us out here is to break up fights...I've never actually see two people hug each other and tell them they love each other!"
Turns out Steph and Kenan were on their way home from Salt Lake after watching a Real Soccer game, and I was headed home from Layton {about a 1/2 hour away from Salt Lake}. It's such a weird situation that of all the people, I hit them. Funny how that stuff happens huh? I'm so grateful it wasn't someone who wanted to sue me...or kill me!
We finished paperwork, Steph and Kenan were safe to drive home but my poor dead car had to be towed. I went home with my mom, sore and crying. I got a ticket, but that was expected. I believe it was for following too close but I don't think I was...but honestly it was all a blur. I remember slowing down because of all the construction on the freeway and then speeding up once I passed it {like all the other cars were} and then wha-bam!
But I'm lucky to be alive, and lucky that Steph and Kenan are too.

I walked in my house and the first thing I did was collapse into Taran's arms. He was so worried, and I could just tell by his face that he had been panicking. He held me close and I told him the whole story.
We ended up sitting on the couch together and talking about the night and he comforted me while I cried about it.
I looked up at him, and voila just like a movie we were kissing! I still get butterflies thinking about it and reminiscing as I type this. He told me "you have no idea how long I've wanted to do that" {girly giddy twitterpated feelings ensued. I'm so dumb some times hahaha}
Out of all the exhaustion and craziness of the night I ended up falling asleep on his lap, and him dozing off also. We both woke up around 2 or 3 AM and he said he should probably get going. "No, stay" I said.
"Are you sure?"
"Then, yeah I think I will"

If you notice, all of my Taran stories are romantic and girly and make you want to barf in your hat right? Good, just as long as we're on the same page ;) hahaha.

That was the beginning. The next morning we woke up and didn't have to talk about it much. After 6 years and numerous relationships we found each other again. Perfectly.

June ended with me picking out and buying my very first car. It's excited, but extremely stressful too. Loans, and bills, and payments...it's all very overwhelming.
But after all the stress and worry I finally got my car! A 2006 Chevy Malibu. I was pleased. {Still am!}

On July 1st I celebrated my 21st birthday. I wanted the day to be great since I had had such a horrible start of the year, and plus you only turn 21 once! I had to work that morning and I was very bummed about it, but it was an understandable situation since my SM Nasey had to go out of town for work. Luckily I got home at 2:00 so I went home to have cake and ice cream with my family, best friends and Taran.
That night I went out to the bar for my very first time with Taran, Steph and Kenan! {Obviously they didn't hate me too much for wrecking their car, right? hehe}
We went to Liquid Joe's and I had a BLAST!! Every Thursday these guys play old 80s hair band music and dress up to fit the part too. It was hilarious and so much fun. Steph bought me my very first legal drink, and Taran bought the other. I had a raspberry Long Island I believe...whatever it was it had a LOT of alcohol in it, and let's just say...I was having a gooood time. Taran and Steph were too, it was so funny. It was a great way to spend my 21st birthday and I enjoyed it and the people I was with!

The rest of July was pretty much work, friends, Taran and the occasional July type celebration! I finally felt happy again, and like it was okay for me to feel happy. The same went for August too...just smooth and relaxing, which was very much needed. I worked through the crazy that is back to school! {Gotta love back to school times!}
Grandma finished her chemo and is in remission as of now, and her cell count went way way below normal. Which is wonderful news!

Beginning of September I took a weekend off and went to Wendover with my grandma, since she couldn't take me for my birthday. I had so much fun with her! She's is a gambling fiend and she sure knows it. We also got free tickets to a concert, I didn't really know the lady that was performing but she did a great job. Plus it was fun just spending time with my grandma after all she had gone through.
Bonus: I won $200! Woo!

Mid September Crystal and Jerrica both turned 22, and we had little parties to celebrate those. One at the zoo and one at a Glee season premier party! Those girls are the greatest, and I'm so lucky to have them to call best friends. They really do put the best in best friends. :)

October brought fall, and my favorite holiday: Halloween! I wanted Taran and I to have matching costumes, and he was willing to help me look for something fun! Our #1 choice that we both agreed on was gangsters. One night before we got our costumes my mom's friend was having a party and she wanted the 2 of us to come. We didn't have anything to wear so we ran to Savers and bought a button up, then back to the mall to Hot Topic to buy suspenders and when we got to my house we dressed up as nerds. It turned out adorable, for being put together in about 2 seconds. We had fun at the party, mom and her friend's are hilarious. Also: mom was so cute in her Robin Hood costume.
This month also brought big surprises! My long time friend Randi told us that she was pregnant! Talk about a shocker...I know I didn't expect that at all, but she was happy so I was happy for her and her boyfriend Bill. We all went to go see Thriller together and we discussed the future he or she baby that was growing! Remember the post I made about it being rare that the 5 of hang out together? This was one of those times, and it was so fun to get together.
Halloween came and Taran and I looked awesome in our gangster/mobster costumes. We went to a party at Steph's house and drank, played King's Cup and got crazy. And by crazy, I mean it was the most I'd ever drank and I was wasted. Not my finest moment, because I don't enjoy being at that point. I just like having fun, not feeling like I'm about to puke. {But I didn't!}
I had a really good time, and Taran took good care of me {haha pathetic}

November was a lot of work work work, preparing for the holiday season. On the 12th I got to see Circa Survive once again! I was thrilled that they were playing 2 shows in one year {actually 3 but one was in St. George...damn} Taran was planning on going with me, but sadly they swapped his hours and he started working graveyards. Yuck. So Jerrica ended up coming with me again, and I'm glad! She's so much fun.
We ended up watching from the balcony which was nice because we had a great view and avoided scary mosh pits. The show blew me a way and I'm so glad I finally got to see them as a headlining band.
After the show I lingered around, but didn't see Anthony again {boo.} I did; however, meet Colin Frangicetto and that was grand! He's very nice, and he signed my ticket.
Also in November, we saw the midnight premier of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows.
So. Much. Fun.
I am sincerely proud to be a huge Harry Potter nerd. Judge all you want, but I love it!
I spend Thanksgiving with Taran, his mom, sister and aunt/uncle. I was hoping to meet his grandma because he recently found out she has colon cancer, but she didn't end up feeling like going out. Totally understandable. Hopefully I'll have my chance. It was a great day and I love his family, and they like me too...which is a big plus!
Worked the dreaded Black Friday...stressful! But it went by fast and it was over fast. Which I'm glad for.
Also: toward the middle of the month I started to get frustrated and annoyed with my job and I ended up putting in my 2 weeks notice.

December seemed short, and went by quickly. I finished out my 2 {1/2} weeks at my job and had the 2 interviews at the other promising job. I shopped for Christmas presents, and ended up becoming a bum because I didn't get that job. I'm pretty disappointed about it because I really had high hopes and I thought I had nailed both interviews. Guess it wasn't meant to be.
Christmas came, and went....it was all so fast I keep forgetting it actually happened.
I've been bored out of my head, anxious and stressed...I need a job asap. Hopefully with the new year I'll find a new job!

2010 had many ups and downs...and the downs were really really down. But I made it through and I'm proud of myself for staying so strong.
Despite all that happened in 2010, it also brought me insight on life, a positive outlook, an amazing and wonderful boyfriend that I am so grateful to have and my amazing friends who keep me sane.

Bring it on 2011!

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